I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
You Might Also Like
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
you know what ruined my childhood? children
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you