for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
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Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
“What?”
– Jude
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
A Short Story.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.