Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
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Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.