I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
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Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
Oh thanks BBC.
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
Welcome
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.