me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
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When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
im all 3
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
“you recording!?”
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok