The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
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I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.