me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
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I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
How software testing works
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
How can I say no to this ?
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.