My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
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Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
You are not alone 💚
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.