Raisins are grape jerky.
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My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms