Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
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“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.