my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
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Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
Autocorrect completely socks
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
Google reviews are always so mixed..
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
We’ve all been there…