[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
You Might Also Like
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.