Expect the unexporcupine.
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—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!