Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
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I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!