The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
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Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this