“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
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People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese