WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
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The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*