You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
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I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
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me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!