Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
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A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice