What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
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Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
It sucks that crazy people ruined wearing tinfoil hats for those of us that just did it for fashion purposes
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
synchronized noseblowing
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that