ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
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Can I donate fat instead of blood?
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
You are what you delete.
Europe. Made in Germany.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
Optional boss fight.
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?