James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
You Might Also Like
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE