I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
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I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.