Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
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The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
Imma just leave this here…………
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.