In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
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You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.