If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
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Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.