#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
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(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
spot the difference
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
My diet starts in January
of 2027
Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star