If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
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The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
Double negatives are never not confusing.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”