My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
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Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
Proofread twice, hang posters once
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
I don’t think my car can fly
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
I’ve had relationships like this
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.