Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
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A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes