My favorite type of men is ramen.
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“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.