Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
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“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
I wish I could veto my bills.
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.