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if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
repaired
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.