Mormon cats have 9 wives.
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Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Yup
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE