When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
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Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
They’re the worst 😩
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
live long and prosper!
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
Meth is short for Elizameth.
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Me: “At last, sunny weather! Time to go outside and develop a healthy glow!”
Pollen: “I’m going to make you look like you’ve been pepper sprayed”
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?