I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
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mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there