My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
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Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me