I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
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Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?