I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
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Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
I think we should hear other voices.
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
thank god the sign was there
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons