He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
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Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
Leaving the Barbers like
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
What?
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy