Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
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It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
that wasn’t the question
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”