Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
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Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
I need better friends
peeping toms
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
(Jupiter –
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no