Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
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Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.