Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
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jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?