hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
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Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?