Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
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bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.