I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
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“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me