So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
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I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
no cat here
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Me, in DM rooms…
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.