Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
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Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy