Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
You Might Also Like
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
uber driver is making small talk with me and asks me what i do, so i said i study philosophy, and he immediately says “oh nice man you hear it was Kant’s 300th birthday a few weeks ago? i bet you people went wild for that”
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.